Roslyn

Hunter, the most magnificent male on the planet. My, Hunter. I loved the sound of those two small words put together. Even though we had both screwed up and our relationship almost ended, we remained. I felt like we were unsinkable, and the fact that we had already overcome so much in such a short amount of time only encouraged the thought that we, Hunter and I, were meant to be. It seemed a bit naive, but how could I not feel that way?
Since our first official make-up, we hadn't had much time for anything else. That is, until Leo barged in on us one afternoon. He just sat down on the end of the bed while Hunter and I tried to gain some composure. Then he started to rattle off some brilliant scheme of his about a fight club. Hunter seemed to be interested and bought into what Leo had cooked up. Suddenly, they were not just friends, but business partners as well. They began setting it up, laying down rules and finding fighters, besides themselves.

One night at Leo's apartment, I was cooking dinner while they sat on the couch talking business. 

"Oh, we could get that one guy from the Brumley gang." Hunter said trying to remember his name. 

"Well what about Owe?" Leo asked, and Hunter must've shot him a dirty look, because Leo replied immediately. "Shit! You mean y'all er still actin' like pansies. Why can't you two just get along?" He asked while throwing his pen and notebook on the floor. 

I could see them through the archway of the kitchen, but I tried not to make it obvious that I was paying attention to their conversation. That's when I saw Hunter tense up and shift around uncomfortably on the couch. 

"You know why." He said flatly. That's when Leo looked around Hunter, right at me. Out of reflex reaction, I flinched and dropped the empty, metal pot that I had in my hand. As it hit the floor, Hunter jerked his head to look at me. 

"Jesus, Bird, what're you doing in there?" He laughed, but Leo just kept staring. I looked away. 

What the hell is his problem? I thought, trying to make myself busy enough to not notice his awkward gaze. 

They finally went back to talking and Leo returned his attention to Hunter. So to cover up my unease, I started to sing. 

"All alone it was a fever... A cold-sweat, hot-headed believer..." 

And suddenly there were two familiar arms wrapped around my waist and soft, warm lips on my ear, and I could no longer concentrate on dinner.

"Go on," He whispered, nibbling on my ear, and I couldn't help but giggle.

"Dinner is ready." I said breathlessly.

"Really? I was thinking we could have dessert first." He smiled against my skin, and he made a trail down my neck with his tongue. When he bit down on my shoulder, he grabbed a fistful of my hair, and pulled my head to the left. I gasped a little and he bit harder before Leo chimed in.

"Oh fuck no! Not in my house! You can go somewhere else for that shit."

Hunter pulled away and punched Leo in the arm to shut him up. We all sat down and ate together, talking and laughing until Hunter's phone rang. He answered swiftly after seeing the number on the screen. A twisted grin appeared on his face. "We'll be there." He said, and then hung up. He looked at Leo. "Looks like I've got my first fight. Buck's basement in 90 minutes." He said beaming. 

Leo cocked his head to the side. "Against who? I didn't know about this." Hunter just shook his head. "Didnt say, but I don't care." With that we headed off to Buck's while Leo got busy alerting their group of followers. When we arrived I felt panicked. Something's not right.  I thought, but I still trailed behind Hunter, who refused to let go of my hand. We entered through a door in the back, and walked down a dark staircase. The room was dimly lit, and reeked of smoke, alcohol and mildew. Already it was packed, with everyone shoulder to shoulder and standing room only. As Hunter walked into the mass of rowdy fans, they cleared a path and music blared. He leaned into my ear, "Bird, stay with Leo. It's gonna get rough." I nodded and he placed my hand in Leo's before kissing my cheek and entering the circle. Leo pulled me off to one side and up onto a makeshift platform where the emcee, a suspicious, meat head named Tom, was already standing. That's when I saw Owen walk into the room, and I realized that he was the other fighter. I turned to Leo in utter shock. He grimaced at me. "Oh, don't look so surprised, Audrey. This wouldn't have happened if it weren't for you. They need this." He continued to glare at me while Tom shouted the rules and commenced the fight. Hunter glanced at me, and that was it. He attacked Owen and I witnessed a side of Hunter, a fury in him that I had only seen once before. He was vicious and relentless. The look in his eyes was that of a killer, and my heart was gripped in fear. I looked at Leo with hot tears streaming down my face. He stared down his nose at me, and his hard expression melted away and was replaced with that of empathy. He placed his hand on the back of my head and pulled me into his chest. I wrapped my arms around him and began to weep. He kissed the top of my head lightly and held me until I heard Tom declare a knock out. I whipped around to see Hunter standing in the middle of the circle with his arms raised, and Owen on the ground, coming to.  He bent down, helped him and they gave each other a hug. All is well, in Bromance-land. I thought as I took off toward Hunter. I pushed and shouldered my way through the crowd, and once I broke through them, I jumped on him. I didn't care about the blood, I just wanted him. With my arms wrapped tightly around his neck, I whispered in his ear. "I love you Hunter Cade. I love you." He winced as I pulled away, and I surveyed the damage. Poor Owen wasn't as good of a fighter as Hunter, because most of the blood on Hunter was not his own. The only damage he had was a busted lip, and an already black bruise on his right cheek. His knuckles we busted and bloody, but somehow it was sexy. He looked like a god standing there covered in a sheen of sweat, and blood splattered on his face. His muscles tense, and his breathing heavy. I placed my hands on his face gently, and kissed him with fervor. He seemed to sense my incessant need for him, my insatiable hunger, because he grabbed me and bit my lip. "Come with me." I panted, and began to pull him into the darkness. 

I had been to Buck's enough over the last few years to know that there was a small, empty storage room in the basement that was just big enough for two people. I found it right away, and pulled him in. "Now?" He questioned, his voice husky. I answered him with a kiss and started to unbutton his jeans. He laughed, a deep throaty laugh, and slammed his mouth into mine. I honestly didn't care who heard me, as our bodies collided repeatedly. He seemed to enjoy that, because he made his pleasure known and his body shuddered. He fell into me, and I held him against my chest. "Damn girl. I'll never get tired of this." 

We pulled our clothes back on and went home together. He went to shower and left me alone for a few moments. Upon entering his room, I stripped down and slipped into one of his oversized t-shirts. When I turned around, he was standing in the doorway staring at me intently, wanting. I smiled and threw my hands up, "Come and get it, baby." I giggled. I didn't have to say anything else. He took a few strides toward me, and then I was in his arms.

The next day passed in a blur. Hunter was working, and when he wasn't, he was with Leo. So I decided to go with Dawn to a party at the Shepard's. I usually didn't go to their part of town, but with everyone else having their own plans I thought it would be fun. Besides, it was hard to be lonely, bored or scared with Dawn around. When we walked through the door, the first person I saw was Jelly. She and I hadn't really talked since the thing between her and Hunter. Especially after I found out it was her I had lady sex with. It was just all kinds of awkward. Dawn gave me a look, but I insisted we stay. I just made sure we weren't in the same room together. Dawn went to grab some beers, but she didn't come back. Eventually I saw her across the room talking to a Brumley. That's when someone body checked me and called me a bitch. As they passed me, I realized it was Bre. 

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" I yelled at her. Suddenly all eyes were on us. 

"Are you really that stupid?" She patronized. 

I was sure that my facial expression matched what I was thinking. What the hell?

"You slept with Owen, stupid bitch. Did you honestly think I would just let that slide? You know what! Fuck it. Fuck you! Fucking twat!" She shrieked angrily and stormed away. Then there was a familiar voice in my ear. 

"Now you know what it's like on the other side. Welcome to the club!" She laughed, and I turned around to hug her. 

"I'm sorry Jel. I've missed you." I cried softly. 

"Me too, me too. All is forgiven." She said and then smiled. She then made her way to the other side of the room to calm Bre down. Before I could move, a strange boy stepped in front of me. "Hey, wanna give it a go?" 

I took a step back, "Give what a go?" 

He looked down at the inside of my elbow and then back to my eyes. He patted his jacket pocket, and gave me a crooked smile. "You're on the needle, and I've got some good shit." I searched the room for any if the girls, but they were nowhere insight. I just shrugged and said, "Lead the way." He hooked his arm in mine, and dragged me to an empty room upstairs. He sat me down in the bed, and pulled out the heroin and an unopened pack of syringes. He set it all up and told me to go first. I injected myself with the contents of the needle and instead of feeling a chill, it was fire. It burned all the way through and I knew something was wrong. Before I knew it I was on my side vomitting profusely. I could stop, move or think. I couldn't even breathe. It felt like hours had passed by and I finally stopped. I involuntarily rolled onto my back. Even though I couldn't move, I felt like all of my muscles were spazzing.  My mouth was dry, and my eyelids became heavy. I could feel my heartbeat slow down. Then I felt hands on me, and someone yelling my name. They pulled my eyelids open and everything was blurred. "Audrey stay awake! Someone call an ambulance, now!! Audrey?" I closed my eyes again, and I started to drift off into the black. "Audrey! Fuck!" Their arms enveloped my body, and I felt like I was flying. "Move! Audrey! Stay awake!!!" And then everything was black, and I floated off into the abyss. 

I could feel a few of my muscles jerk, and my eyes fluttered open. Everything was white, and sterile. I turned to my right and saw Tim sitting in a chair next to me with his head in his hands. 

"Tim?" I questioned. Trying to clarify that I wasn't seeing things. My mouth was still dry, and it hurt to talk. 

At the sound of my voice he jumped. 

"Audrey! You're alright! Holy shit!" He wrapped his arms around me then took a step back. 

"What the fuck were you thinking?! You didn't even know that guy! You almost died, Audrey!" He lectured. His brow furrowed. That's when a nurse walked urgently to me. She started checking my vitals, and then shooed Tim from the room. 

"Ms. Mathews, how are you feeling?" 

I just shrugged and she narrowed her eyes. "Any pain?" I shook my head. She made some notes on her paper and then set her clipboard down on the table next to me. 

"Ms. Mathews, are you aware that you almost died from a heroin overdose?" I said nothing, but she continued. "Audrey, can I call you Audrey?" She asked, and I nodded slightly, unsure where this was going. She sat down on the edge of the bed. 

"Audrey, how long have you been using?" She asked softly. I was relieved to know I wasn't going to be lectured. I looked away. 

"A while." I whispered, suddenly feeling guilty. 

She heaved a sigh. 

"Audrey did you know that you were pregnant?" My heart was suddenly in my throat, my stomach dropped and I gasped. "W-w-hat?" I was in shock, hoping that it was a cruel joke. I can't be pregnant. I thought, shaking my head in disbelief. 

She sighed again, and took my hand in hers. 

"Audrey, because of your prolonged use of heroin, and your overdose... I'm afraid you've had a miscarriage. Your baby couldn't handle it." She spoke so softly, like she was breaking with me. 

My vision blurred with tears. "I had a.. What?" I asked barely making sense of it all. 

"You've miscarried. Your baby died, Audrey. By the looks of it I would say you were about 9 weeks, due in January." 

A small cry escaped my lips as the reality of the truth I had just learned set in. I began to sob, loudly and uncontrollably. She moved closer and gave a me long hug. I cried on her shoulder for a bit until I thought of one more question. 

"What was it?" I mumbled into her shirt. 

She pulled away and looked at me. Gazing to to my eyes, I could see the pain lingering behind them. She stood to her feet, and walked slowly to the door. As she opened it, she glanced at me. "A girl. It was a girl." She stated and left the room. 

I was still so shocked, but all I could do was cry. Tim ran back to his original position and held my hand. 

"Audrey? Are you okay? What's wrong?" He was worried. 

"Oh, Tim." I choked through tears. "I've done something awful!"

He stared at me, obviously confused and concerned. "What do you mean? What did that nurse say to you?" 

My chest hurt, and a lump formed in my throat, making it that much harder to talk and breathe. I kept gasping for air. 

"Hunter. Is. Going. To. Hate. Me." My body shook violently. 

He was quick to embrace me. "Shhh. Breathe. Why would Hunter hate you? I'm pretty sure that's impossible." 

I met his gaze. 

"I was pregnant, Tim. I was going to have Hunter's baby, but I miscarried. All because I'm a junkie whore!" I yelled through relentless tears. His jaw dropped and he squeezed me tighter. 

"You mean? The heroin.... Killed it." He whispered, barely able to speak the words. 

"The heroin killed her. I killed her. I killed my little girl." I felt sick. I think Tim could tell because he grabbed the trash an closest to him and held in to my face, sweeping my hair out of the way with the other hand. I emptied the contents of my stomach and wound up dry heaving. I felt another pair of arms encircle me from the opposite side and Tim let go. I heard the door open and close, but it wasn't until I was finished that I realized the other pair of arms belonged to Hunter. Upon the sight of him, my heart broke again, and I was back at square one. I was wailing at that point, and anything I said was incoherent. He held his forehead to mine and ran his fingers through my hair. "Bird, what is it? Please tell me." 

After a few moments of trying to catch my breath, I wiped the snot now dripping from my nose with the back of my hand. "Hunter, I think you should leave?" 

I couldn't look at him. 

"Leave? Why would I leave? Tim told me you OD'd. Is that true? Did you shoot up again?" His voice was oozing with worry, but all I could do was nod. That lump started to form in my throat again, constricting my vocal chords. 

"Audrey, Bird, you have to stop that. Look at me." He gently turned my head toward him, and I was compelled to look into those beautiful blue eyes. "Bird, that shit is gonna kill you. A close buddy of mine was hooked and it killed him. He OD'd, cold and alone in his bathroom. He was a junkie, and he wouldn't leave it alone. You've gotta stop, because I can't go through that again. And I sure as hell can't lose you again. I almost lost you once, and I'm never gonna let that happen ever again. I'll stay with you. I'll help you kick it, but this has to end. Do you hear me? I love you, Audrey. Do this for me, please?" He was pleading.  He was desperate and his eyes were begging me. That's when I lost it again. 

"Hunter, you're not gonna love me after I tell you. Oh God!!! You're gonna hate me!" He grabbed me and placed my face in the crook of his neck. 

"What are you talking about? I couldn't possibly-" Before he could finish I interrupted him. 

"Hunter, I-" I gasped for air again, "I was pregnant. We were gonna have a baby. A little girl. I was 9 weeks, but because of the drugs... I... I killed her... I had a miscarriage. Hunter, I fucked up! I'll never be able to live this down, and if you want to walk away, if you want to go, I'll understand. But Hunter, I love you and I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry..." My  voice trailed off as tears interrupted. He sat there, stunned, for several minutes while I cried. When he broke the silence, his voice hinted at disbelief. 

"We were gonna have a baby?" He asked trying to make sense of what I had just said. Verifying that he heard me correctly. I felt nauseous again, and my heart felt like it had shattered into a million tiny pieces with that one question. I nodded my head as I erupted in another fit of grief and sadness. With his arms still around me, he buried his head into my shoulder, shaking it slightly. I could hear him mumbled curse words against my skin but I couldn't understand. I had just broken his heart. I had lost him. I knew it was only a matter of time, and I knew he hated me. If not now, then he would grow to. It was only a matter of time, but I relished the moment. In spite of my tears and broken heart, I tried to take it all in, what it felt like to be in his arms, his smell, the sound of his voice, everything. I didn't know how much longer I would have with him because of my stupid actions. Suddenly the phrase, My Hunter, broke me instead of filling me with joy. 

Hunter held me as I cried until I fell asleep. When I woke up, it was night time and visiting hours were obviously over, as there was no one wandering around, and the halls were silent. I realized there was something in my hand, and when I opened it, there was a small piece of paper crumbled up and pressed against my palm. 

I unfolded the crinkled mess, and immediately recognized Hunter's handwriting. The note only had three sentences on it, all short and staccato. Straightforward. "I need to clear my head. I'll call you in a few days. Be safe." 

After letting the words sink in, my epiphany of Hunter's hatred washed me over me like a fiery flood as I crumbled the piece of paper again, and clutched it close to my heart. 

 I knew he would hate me! How could he not? He is never gonna come back and it all because of me! I thought. 

"Fucking dumb ass!" I screamed and I threw a the nearest thing to me across the room. 

"The one person I've ever loved.... The one person I never wanted to leave... He's... He's gone! Because... Because I killed her. I killed our baby." As I spoke the words aloud, I could taste acid from my stomach rising. 

"I killed her." I was overcome with grief, heartache, and sadness, but most of all hopelessness. I knew that things were never going to be the same, and everyday for the rest of my life I would hate myself for causing harm to my little girl. My Roslyn.